I Am Developer

Salzburg -- 11th October 2014

Paul Johnson

www.pjcj.net

A

____________

of developers

A

merge conflict

of developers

A

celebration

of developers

With profound apologies to Helen Reddy

I am developer

Hear me roar!

Oh yes I am wise

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible

I am developer

I'm very sorry for this ...

I'm not a

Sys Admin

but

I'm not a

Sys Admin

but

I can install an OS on a bare machine

I'm not a

Sys Admin

but

I can hack a mail config

I'm not a

Sys Admin

but

I can patch bash

I'm not a

Sys Admin

but

I can patch bash
(and again)

I'm not a

DBA

but

I'm not a

DBA

but

I can write a schema in 3rd Normal Form

I'm not a

DBA

but

I can write a schema in 3rd Normal Form
(probably)

I'm not a

DBA

but

I can run explain on a query

I'm not a

DBA

but

I can run explain on a query
and add the missing index

I'm not a

System Architect

but

I'm not a

System Architect

but

I can design a class and an API

I'm not a

System Architect

but

I can design a class and an API
(and my methodology doesn't have any acronyms)

I'm not a

Web Designer

but

I'm not a

Web Designer

but

I can write HTML by hand

I'm not a

Web Designer

but

I can get CSS to do what I want

I'm not a

Web Designer

but

I can get CSS to do what I want
(or just use a table)

I'm not a

QA Engineer

but

I'm not a

QA Engineer

but

I can design for test

I'm not a

QA Engineer

but

I can write unit tests

I'm not a

QA Engineer

but

I can automate a browser

I'm not a

QA Engineer

but

I know that your code is buggy

I'm not a

Business Analyst

but

I'm not a

Business Analyst

but

I can learn enough about a domain to solve problems

I'm not a

Business Analyst

but

I can learn enough about a domain to solve problems
(and spot holes in your spec)

I'm not a

Computer Scientist

but

I'm not a

Computer Scientist

but

I know that O(n log n) is probably OK and O(n²) probably isn't

I'm not a

Computer Scientist

but

I know you should use a heap if possible

I'm not a

Computer Scientist

but

I know that there's a wikipedia article on red‑black trees that I can look up

I'm not a

Hardware Engineer

but

I'm not a

Hardware Engineer

but

I know that you need more RAM

I'm not a

Hardware Engineer

but

I can add more RAM

I'm not a

Hardware Engineer

but

I can also replace a disk

I'm not a

Hardware Engineer

but

I know it shouldn't be making that noise

I'm not a

Systems Programmer

but

I'm not a

Systems Programmer

but

I know how to use both of Perl's select calls

I'm not a

Systems Programmer

but

I know how to use both of Perl's select calls
(and not just for sub-second sleeps)

I'm not a

i18n Specialist

but

I'm not a

i18n Specialist

but

I know to just use UTF-8

I'm not a

Support Staffer

but

I'm not a

Support Staffer

but

have you tried turning it off and on again?

I'm not a

Support Staffer

but

I can get you into your machine when you have forgotten your password

I'm not a

Support Staffer

but

I know your PC is slow because it's full of malware

I'm not a

Support Staffer

but

I know your PC is slow because it's full of malware
(so don't visit those sites from your work machine)

I'm not a

Performance Tester

but

I'm not a

Performance Tester

but

I know that your guesses about which bits are slow are useless until it's been profiled

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

I can configure a router

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

I know there are seven layers on that OSI diagram

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

I know there are seven layers on that OSI diagram
(and I only want to have to deal with the seventh)

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

soldering up an RS232 cable was quite fun

I'm not a

Network Engineer

but

soldering up an RS232 cable was quite fun
(2 -> 3, 3 -> 2 and 7 -> 7)

I'm not a

Scrum Master

but

I'm not a

Scrum Master

but

I know that you can't sprint the whole time

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I know that cross-anything is bad

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I know that cross-anything is bad
and so are injections

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I know SQL needs to be parameterised

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I know SQL needs to be parameterised
(Bobby Tables told me)

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I can configure ssl certificates

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I can set up ssh tunnels

I'm not a

Security Expert

but

I can set up ssh tunnels
(so your proxies mean nothing to me)

I'm not a

Miracle Worker

but

I'm not a

Miracle Worker

but

Oh, hold on, yes I am!

I'm not a

Miracle Worker

but

Oh, hold on, yes I am!
(Just don't rush me)

You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Miracle Max

Oh yes I am wise

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible

I am developer